Parts of the Process

27 Mar

So how did I get here this time…

Really things had been going well. Had finally had surgery to repair my shoulder (that’s another story), had met a wonderful woman, had a new job, had qualified as a triathlon coach and was generallu feeling good about things and looking forward to the future for a change.

I’d been struggling for motivation at work post surgery but had put it down to coming back to work too soon. It was post Christmas and I was getting increasingly tired and seriously lacking in motivation. I was trying to sleep but waking up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go down again.

I used to love riding my bikes but could no longer summon the enthusiasm to get back on the saddle. I’d got a cross bike in the hopes of doing some cyclo-cross over the winter but couldn’t face riding it off road.

Friends and my partner were telling me that I wasn’t myself and that I looked tired and run down. There were nights when I went to bed exhausted and cried myself to sleep before tossing and turning all night. I’d even been having thoughts about what was the point if it all and was it really worth carrying on. Basically I wanted to crawl into a cave and hide from the world.

I’d finally booked an appointment with the GP and went on the NHS Direct website to see what they said. After a series of questions it suggested that the answer was Depression. It all made sense and I cried for what seemed like hours!

Finally arrived at the GPs and was incredibly nervous. Talking to a stranger about myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. He was extremely sympathetic and I just spoke about symptoms he asked me what I thought it was and I struggled to say Depression. He agreed and said it was pretty obvious from what I was saying and doing and actually I was a pretty severe case. I’ve decided to try and avoid regular medication for now and go with therapy instead. Work are being understanding and I’m trying to stick to the routine and keep to the same regime.

As for being depressed well it wasn’t entirely unexpected but I’m still struggling to deal with the diagnoses and the label. However it’s better now I know and I’ve met people recently that have helped me understand it further. There’s similar incidents in the past too that were undiagnosed. I’ll go into those another time. Bye for now


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